


Bunker Rules

by lollyb



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 09, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bunker Fluff, Cas is bad with technology, Castiel Loves Burgers, Domestic, Drunken Shenanigans, Human Castiel, M/M, Post-Episode: s08e23, Rules, Secret Relationship, clueless Sam Winchester, i don't knock sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 03:09:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2051340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lollyb/pseuds/lollyb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set post season 8, Cas has gone to live with the Winchesters in the bunker. This is the story of the bunker rules and why each one came to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There shall be only food cooked in the kitchen.

A list of the bunker rules and how they came to be.

 

  1. **There shall be only food cooked in the kitchen.**



 

Dean strode into the library. Sam and Cas could tell by the stomping of his feet that he was not happy. What they didn’t expect was that he would be blue. Cas sat upright and squinted at him as though wondering if Dean had just chosen to be blue today much like he chose between his plaid shirts.  Sam sat back pushing his hair away from his face thinking that Dean had been in the store room poking around the curse boxes again.

“Which of you was it?” Dean was growling and Sam could tell he was on the verge of a king sized bitch fit. “One of you is messing with witchcraft and that is something we do not do.”

It was difficult to pay attention to what Dean was saying as the angrier he got the more purple his cheeks became. It was very distracting.

“What are you talking about Dean?” Sam was the first to regain speech. “You know we’re not stupid enough to deal with demons to get witches’ powers. Which curse box did you open?”

Dean slammed his fist onto the table.

“I was not opening curse boxes you smug little shit. I was in the kitchen and saw someone had left out a glass of orange juice,” he glanced sideways at Cas who was still looking confused. “I didn’t want to waste food so I had a drink and now I’m fucking blue!”

Oh. Sam started to feel guilty.

“Um, well, you know Dean, you shouldn’t just drink things when you don’t know what they are. That could have been medication or anything.”

“So,” Dean turned his full disapproval on Sam. “It was you. What kind of medication are you taking that can turn someone blue?”

Sam started fidgeting in his chair. He looked to Cas for support but Cas was just looking at him with curious eyes as if Sam was about to dispense some wisdom on human medications.

“It’s not medication exactly,” he began.

“Well then what is it Sam?” Dean was not calming down and Sam was remembering how scary the beast from the X-men could be. “It seems like witchcraft to me.”

To be honest Sam wasn’t sure. He‘d found the recipe in one of the books in the men of letters’ library. It was supposed to be a solution you could spray along doorways and windows to keep demons and ghosts out instead of using a salt line which was too easily broken by the wind or a door opening. Nothing in the book said anything about turning blue if you drank it.

“Well I’m sure it will be easily fixed Dean,“ he began. “I’ll need to do some research though so it might be a while.”

Dean glared at him.

“There better be a way.”

“If there's not,” piped up Cas, “it might be an idea to change out of that blue shirt, it is very difficult to see where it ends and you begin at the moment.”

Sam could see Dean beginning about a hundred comebacks to that in his head but in the end he just looked pointedly at Sam again and stomped back out of the room.


	2. Cas will have parental controls on his smartphone

**2\.   Cas will have parental controls on his smartphone**

 

Dean got back into the driver’s seat of the Impala looking confused.

“Got another card Sam? This one’s maxed out.”

“What? It shouldn’t be.” Sam took it from him confused. “I just got it 2 weeks ago. Anyway I can’t give you another one because I don’t have any others with that name.”

“Shit, Sam you’ll need to get some Cash together then or we won’t be able to get gas. Don’t know what the hell is wrong with the card then but she definitely said it’s maxed.”

Cas looked between them with interest. It had been working for him earlier today. He didn’t want to bring it up though because they both looked stressed. Dean eventually snatched $20 from Sam and stomped off inside the store.

Back at the bunker, Dean and Sam were in the library doing something with their paperwork still looking a bit stressed. Cas wondered if either of them had the game he was playing. Maybe he should throw them a sheep. That was likely to cheer them up. Or maybe the training game he had where he had to look for clues in crime scenes. They would probably be impressed with his initiative in using his phone to make him a better hunter. Maybe they should get a dog like the one he had just purchased in the game. It was very cute and useful in finding things.

“Would you be interested in a dog?” Both Winchesters turned to look at him.

“What are you talking about Cas?” Dean seemed irritated. “We’re trying to work out what happened to this credit card. We don’t have the time or money to look after a dog.”

“Oh,” said Cas disappointed. “The one on my phone doesn’t seem too hard to look after. It was working fine earlier when I bought some dog food.”

“Phone dogs are different to real dogs Cas.” Sam seemed sympathetic at least. He was definitely the one to work on for getting a puppy. Maybe if he just got one, Dean wouldn’t kick it out.

He was interrupted in his plans by Dean.

“What was working fine Cas?” Dean sounded curious and Cas thought that maybe he was more receptive to the dog idea than Cas thought.

“The credit card. I used it to buy the premium dog food earlier. It increases the dog’s love for me and then it learns new skills. I feel it is educational in learning to care for a real pet.” Cas thought that if Dean realised that he would be able to look after the dog himself then he would be more likely to allow it.

“You used the credit card.”

Cas was glad Dean had noticed this. He was responsible and was able to look after himself these days. He was really getting used to being human.

“You used the credit card to buy fake dog food for a fake dog?” Dean was speaking slowly and Cas started feeling unsure. Had he not been clear about this?

“Have you been using it for anything else?”

“Well there are some ‘apps’ on here that I need to use it for or I can’t continue with them properly. There is one that teaches me how to get people to like me. I needed it to buy some new clothes for that one. They are very educational Dean.” Cas was proud of how much he was learning.

“Sam!”

“I just showed him how to work it Dean.”

“You fix this Sam. Fix it now!”

Cas looked between them. Dean seemed angry now but then he always did. Sam had his serious face on and was advancing on Cas. He felt like this was one of these times he had missed something.

“Cas, look, I need to tell you more about these apps.”

Oh.


	3. No random women in the bunker

**3\. No random women in the bunker**

 

Damn it Sam needed some help with this research. Cas was AWOL and Dean had yet to appear this morning. He looked at his watch – afternoon. He was getting a bit sick of doing this on his own. Yeah he knew Dean preferred action to research but it didn’t mean he got to slack off completely and leave Sam to do everything. Cas usually helped but he’d been almost as bad recently. He wondered if the more human Cas got, the less responsible he would be. He hoped not, he already had one Dean, he didn’t need two.

They had gone out to a bar last night and Sam hadn’t heard them come home. Sam really hoped that Dean wasn’t teaching Cas how to sleaze onto drunk women. He knew he needed a lot of help learning how to be human but that was one thing he could do without learning. Sam sighed and levered himself out of the library chair rubbing his hand over his eyes. If he had to do this Dean was going to have to as well.

He made his way down the corridor leading to Dean’s room. He noticed a shoe lying randomly at one corner and a plaid overshirt just outside his room. Gross. Surely he hadn’t hooked-up and brought her back here? Sam shook his head, even Dean wouldn’t be that blinded by sex. He must have just been desperate to get to bed last night. He knocked once and pushed Dean’s door open.

“Rise and shine Dean!” He was shouting quite loudly just to piss him off. “I need...” Sam’s voice tailed off as there was a flurry of activity in the bed.

Sam could hardly believe what he was seeing. As he had walked into the room Dean had sat up abruptly and shoved somebody under the covers. He was now sitting with what Sam was sure he thought was an innocent look on his face. His chest was bare even though Sam knew he usually slept with an undershirt on and was covered in, surely not...

“Are those hickeys Dean? How old are you? I don’t think I’ve seen those on a full grown adult before.”

“Well you just don’t know the right people Sam,” Dean grunted still half asleep. “Anyway these aren’t hickeys they’re, um, bruises. I got into a bit of a fight last night, should have seen the other guy!” Dean brightened as he went on. Sam could almost see the cogs turning in his head as he came up with this ridiculously lame excuse. Dean was really terrible at lying.

“A fight huh,” Sam said eyeing the lump in the bed which was moving slightly as the girl Dean had shoved down there was breathing. She must be wondering what the hell was going on. “So who is that you’ve got in there? Is it the other guy? Does he need medical attention?”

Dean immediately went bright red. He looked down at the lump in the bed, obviously wondering whether to come clean or brazen it out. Sam leaned against the doorway and folded his arms, waiting to see what he would do.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Sam. What did you come in here for anyway? I was sleeping.” Dean had a desperate look in his eye and despite himself Sam felt a little bit sympathetic for him. He must have been so wasted to bring a girl back here and Sam guessed he was probably just realising what he’d done now that he was sobering up a bit. He decided to give him an out.

“Okay Dean. I just needed some help in the library. I’ll give you half an hour and then I need you to be back in the game.” Sam turned and walked to his own room so that Dean could get up and get the girl out with the least amount of awkwardness. He hoped that she had been so drunk she would black out the bunker or just think it was a dream.

 

When Dean slunk into the library later Sam felt he needed to hammer it home.

“You do understand the meaning of secret base don’t you? You can’t bring girls back here again Dean.”

A look passed over Dean’s face, close enough to guilt to leave Sam satisfied.

“Also how drunk did you get Cas last night? I still haven’t seen him today. You didn’t leave him there did you?” Sam was actually a little worried as when he had checked Cas’ room his bed hadn’t even been slept in.

“Don’t worry,” Dean replied. “I wasn’t so drunk I left him at a bar. He’s here somewhere. Probably just lost his way back to his room.”

Sam wasn’t sure how that could happen but at least he was here.


	4. Sam, Dean and Cas will take turns choosing dinner

**4\. Sam, Dean and Cas will take turns choosing dinner**

 

Sam was bitching again.

“I’m hungry _now_ Dean. If we have to go all the way back to the bunker for you to make your own burgers it’s going to be about two hours before we eat!”

Dean glared at him out of the corner of his eye. Damned if he was going to let Cas feel bad about this.

“It doesn’t matter, Dean, we can go to a diner if it is easier.” Cas sounded resigned, Dean knew he really loved Dean’s homemade burgers.

He looked at Cas in the rear-view mirror. Yep there it was, he was looking out of the window and had that air of sadness to him, like he knew he wasn’t as important as Sam. Well he wasn’t going to have that. Sam was being a giant baby and he could suck it up.

“No Cas, you wanted my burgers, I said you could pick, so that is what we are going to have.” Sam looked like he was about to have a bitchfit in the passenger seat. “Sam if I hear another word about how hungry you are I won’t be making any for you at all. Not everything is about you after all.”

Sam shut up. Good. Dean could tell he was itching to say something but he managed to keep it in. He turned up the music in the car and sent a smile to Cas in the back. He got a small smile in return and felt like his job was done. He hated it when Cas felt he was worthless.

The peace lasted all of ten minutes when Sam, who knowing him had been building up a self-righteous rage all this time, burst out with a new argument.

“It’s just that it’s not _just_ tonight Dean,” he began. “Cas has been choosing dinner every night for weeks. Burgers every time. It can’t be healthy and I’m really getting sick of it.”

Dean scoffed. Every night for weeks? Sam was exaggerating surely. He thought back to the last time they had had something else for dinner. It was just, well, hmm, okay maybe they had been having burgers for a while. Dean sneaked a look at Cas again, he was looking uncomfortable. Fucking Sam.

“I hear what you’re saying Sam,” Sam was giving him the look but it’s not his fault if Sam’s self-help books kept turning up in the bunker. ”It’s just Cas hasn’t been human that long and he doesn’t know what else he likes.”

“Well he’s never going to learn if you just keep feeding him burgers,” oh Sam was smug now. “He’ll not have too long a human life either eating that junk.”

That was a low blow. Sam was a being a total dick.

“I told him he could choose, he chose burgers, that is what we are having. End of discussion Sam.” Dean used his big bad brother voice for that one, the one which got Sam to eat his peas when he was little. Sam would say that was ironic but Sam is a snarky bitch when he puts his mind to it.

Sam grunted and turned away. Dean put his foot down on the accelerator and in the back he could hear Cas starting to hum along with the song on the stereo.

 

After dinner they all sat rubbing full stomachs and the atmosphere had almost got back to normal when Cas turned to Dean with an apprehensive look on his face.

“Um Dean,” he began his voice sounding very small which for him was an achievement. “I think Sam might be right. I think that if I tried to eat another burger I might vomit. In fact I think I may never want to eat another one.”

Dean looked at him. He had such a worried look on his face as if he was afraid Dean would explode all over him. He heard a snorting sound from Sam and he quickly turned and gave him the shut up Sam glare. Turning back to Cas he smiled.

“Okay Cas,” he said. “Tomorrow I’ll pick and it won’t be burgers.” He got up to do the dishes giving Sam a wink on the way out. If he thought he would get to pick then he was wrong. Serves him right for all the moaning.

Now what would Sam hate for dinner?


	5. There is no such thing as the housework fairy.

**5\. There is no such thing as the housework fairy**

 

Cas opened the closet in the bathroom to pull out the rubber gloves and the bleach. He didn’t know why but neither Winchester ever seemed to do it and it always fell to him. He was happy to do his part but it seemed like the more he did, the more there was to do.

He turned to look at the toilet and his heart sank. Yet again there was an empty cardboard tube lying on the floor and a full toilet roll perched precariously on top of the empty cardboard tube that was already on the holder. What was the big deal with taking the empty tube, putting it in the trash and putting the new roll on the holder? It would hardly take any effort.

After cleaning the bathroom he visited Dean and Sam’s rooms to collect their dirty laundry. Dean’s was all in the hamper Cas had bought each of them and Cas smiled at the thought that Dean was listening to him. They had had a heated discussion the other week about how disgusting Dean’s bedroom was and how Cas didn’t even want to set foot in it. Here was the result, neat and tidy, even the bed made. Maybe the Winchesters weren’t so bad after all.

When he got to Sam’s room his face fell. There were a couple of things at the bottom of the hamper but mostly his clothes were either near it or just strewn around his room. Did Sam really expect Cas to wander around picking up every dirty pair of underwear? He had enough to do. He considered just leaving the clothes which weren’t in the hamper and waiting to see how long it would take Sam to notice that his clothes weren’t being washed. He dismissed the idea as being too passive aggressive and was worried at any rate that Sam would just start ‘recycling’ clothes and turning up to the next investigation stinking. Cas sighed and went round picking everything up, wishing he had bought tongs last time he was at the store.

The next day both Winchesters seemed to be in a good mood. He wasn’t sure why, maybe it was because they hadn’t had a Case in a while and they were starting to relax into their home. They were play wrestling and bantering with each other. Cas stretched a little and went back to his book when Dean came running through from the kitchen. He was holding a box of cereal and he dug his hand in and threw some at Sam.

“Don’t you dare!” Sam was off through to the kitchen as well coming back through with dry pasta and heaving handfuls at Dean.

As Cas put his book down carefully on the table he watched them dodge round chairs chucking the food at each other. Something behind his eye began to pulse as he stared at the floor and saw all the crumbs getting ground in. Finally, when they were exhausted, they flopped down panting and grinning at each other. Cas tried to be easy going he really did but they just continued to sit there laughing and doing nothing. He squeezed his hands open and shut for what felt like forever but was probably five minutes. They still hadn’t made a move.

“Are you going to clean that up?” he asked, his voice as calm as he could make it.

They both turned and looked at him confused.

“Sure we’ll get to it,” Dean looked around him as though noticing for the first time.

“Don’t worry about it Cas,” Sam said pushing his hair out of his eyes.

Cas turned and went to his room slamming the door behind him. He knew how this one was going to work out.

The morning after Cas came and looked at the cereal pasta mess still covering the floor. Those disrespectful bastards. Cas rarely swore even in his head but they deserved it. He quietly got the cleaning things out and sat and waited for the brothers to get up.

When they came through to the library after eating and saw Cas waiting there their eyes grew wide.  Dean stood on something that crunched and looked at his foot in disgust. That was the last straw for Cas.

“Did you think that the housework fairy was going to come and clean this up for you?” he asked his tone the threatening one usually reserved for demons.

“No Cas, obviously we didn’t,” began Dean but Cas wasn’t finished yet.

“Or more precisely did you think I would clear it up for you?” He knew from the guilty looks they were giving each other that that was the case.

“Every time you drop something and leave it there expecting me to do pick it up shows the utter contempt you hold for me. Even if I do the cleaning because I hate the dirt there is no need for you to make it intentionally worse. So here,” he thrust the brushes at them, “you will clean this up and then we will make an agreement about what housework needs to be done and who is going to do it because I am through with the two of you!”

At this point Sam and Dean were almost trying to hide behind each other because no matter how human Cas was this was smiting talk and he knew they knew it. As they started to clean the mess he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. Hopefully they would make the change.


	6. Respect other peoples possessions

**6\. Respect other people's possessions**

 

“What the hell is this rule Sam?” Dean pulled the list off the fridge pointing at rule number six. “I thought we were going to agree these before we wrote them up?”

“Really Dean?” Sam was amazed Dean had the gall to dispute this one. “This is your fault. Are you saying that’s a bad rule?”

“Well no, of course not but why did you put it up, what happened?” Dean looked confused and he had no patience with this bullshit whatsoever.

“It wouldn’t be so bad if it was the first time but you do it again and again. I’m beginning to think you do it just to piss me off.” Sam walked out of the kitchen slamming the door. He stomped off to his bedroom where he had hidden his laptop.

Turning it on he groaned as about a million pop-ups suddenly flared into life. He pressed his lips together and inhaled, counting to ten. It didn’t seem to matter to Dean that he used his laptop for research. As long as he could find porn with it he was happy. Then Sam was left with viruses and dodgy websites cluttering up his home screen.

Although what he had been looking at this time had Sam confused. It seemed to be gay porn. He had decided that Dean had just done this to fuck with him, especially since there were so many educational websites on sex acts. Was he trying to do some sort of prank where he would look at Sam’s laptop in a public place and then ask in a loud voice what all these bookmarks were for? It seemed really lame but then that was Dean.

He was going to have to talk to him about it. He groaned, that was going to be a fun conversation. He’d thought that putting the rule up with the others on the fridge would be hint enough but apparently not.

 

Later that day he walked into the library where Dean was bent over the back of the chair Cas was sitting in. He assumed he was helping him with his phone again, he seemed to have a lot of problems with it.

Sam cleared his throat and Dean jumped up guiltily. Ha, he knows I’ve worked it out he thought smugly. Good, he should be guilty.

“Look Dean,” he started, deciding he would get straight to the point. “I’m sick of you downloading porn onto my laptop. I know this time it was for some prank but that only makes it worse. At least when you are downloading girl porn you are just doing it for you and not to piss me off.”

Dean was looking at him with a screwed up face as though he had no clue what he was talking about.

“Don’t play the innocent with me Dean, I know you too well. Anyway if you think I’d be ashamed of you accusing me of being gay in a diner or something you’re so wrong. Don’t put your homophobia onto me.”

Understanding seemed to be dawning on Dean’s face and he looked between Sam and Cas with a worried expression. Cas’ face was looking very serious and Sam could tell that Dean was feeling bad that he had been caught out in front of Cas. Sam didn’t even care about that, maybe Cas would start to come to him for humanity lessons instead of trooping off to Dean’s room whenever he had a question day or night. God knows what kind of answers he was getting from Dean of all people.

“I’m sorry you found porn on your laptop Sam,” Dean said hesitantly. “I probably should get my own laptop to look at that stuff on hey? I’ll get on that.”

“What? So you really were looking at gay porn?” Sam couldn’t believe what he was hearing and it looked like Cas was in the same boat as his eyebrows almost disappeared into his hairline.

“No, no!” Dean blustered. “That was a prank like you said. There have been other times though and I’m sorry about that. I’ll get my own, maybe get Cas one at the same time.” Dean shot a look at Cas before flushing completely red and rushing off towards his room.

At least he felt guilty, Sam was satisfied. He flashed a smile at Cas who was looking rather red and flustered himself, probably embarrassed by the thought of porn and went back to his room to check once more that he’d cleaned everything off before he did any more research.


	7. No sex in communal areas

**7\. No sex in communal areas**

 

Sam was feeling good. He’d got up early and went for a run, beating his own best time by at least three minutes. He’d left a note to say he was going to drive to Hays today as the local paper had reports of what might be a haunting. There had been a few disasters there in the last hundred years of so, so Sam thought he would do a bit of investigating first before involving Dean or Cas.

Realising he had left the keys to the Impala inside he went back into the bunker, tip-toeing quietly so as not to wake either of them up. Neither of them were very good in the mornings. As he was looking around for the keys, he heard something like a groan coming from the kitchen. Frowning he wondered if Dean had hurt himself or more worryingly if something had got into the bunker while he was out for his run. Feeling wrong to hope it was the former rather than the latter he scooted to the wall where there was a sword on display.

As he tried to silently remove it he heard a bang and another groan coming from the kitchen. This time sounding like Cas. Shit, he thought, less likely to be clumsy Dean and more likely to be a monster trying to eat them.

He fumbled the sword out and crept silently to the kitchen hoping he wasn’t too late. As he got closed there were definitely the sounds of a scuffle and Sam prepared himself for whatever was waiting behind the door.

He pushed the door a little open trying to see what kind of creature it was but ready to leap in if it looked like Dean and Cas were losing. He couldn’t quite see what was going on. Dean seemed to be leaning over the counter panting. Maybe the fight was over? No, he realised, there was something behind Dean.

“Dean!” he shouted, bursting into the room. “Behind you!”

He stopped, suddenly realising what he was seeing. It wasn’t a monster behind Dean it was Cas and they were looking at him with matching expressions of horror on their faces. Oh god oh god oh god. Shit shit shit. Sam didn’t know what to do. He dropped the sword with a clang on the ground and looked between them and the door not knowing what to do.

“Get out Sam!” Dean shouted.

Of course that was it. Out. Now. Run. Why were his feet not moving? Move feet. They were both still looking at him, holding themselves very still which actually Sam was grateful for.

“Sam!” Cas this time and he was sounding rather angry.

Sam collected himself enough to turn and shuffle out the door, breaking into a run and shutting himself into his bedroom. He slid down his bedroom door and tried to block the very graphic images that were crowding his brain.

Thinking back over the last few months he should have seen it coming really, he didn’t know why he hadn’t. A knock came on the other side of the door.

“Sam I really don’t want to talk about this but are you OK in there?” Dean was actually sounding reasonable which was a surprise to Sam but there was no way he was coming out of his room right now.

“Sam?”

All Sam could do was shake his head, he needed eye bleach.

“I’m fine Dean,” he eventually managed, “but just, you know, not the kitchen Dean. Not the kitchen.”

He heard Dean huff a laugh and wander back off down the hall.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. If you liked it please let me know. My [Tumblr](http://lollybgood.tumblr.com/)


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